Thursday, August 31, 2006

No Sex For You

Having spent most of my adult life as a dad, and brave/stupid enough to write about my experiences, I get lots of email from parents around the globe. I even came up with an Ask Dad link on my website to make it easier. Most of the questions I get are serious questions dealing with raising kids, single parenting, custody battles, and so on. Once in a while you get a gem that you can’t help but have fun with.

Dear WriteDad,

My wife and I have two kids, a boy and a girl. My youngest, the girl, is now eight months old and my wife still refuses to have sex. Is this normal? Will I ever get sex again?

Signed… Vern

Dear Vern,

No, you won’t get sex. As a general rule men don’t ever “get” sex. They are occasionally awarded sex, but that’s a process that requires detailed planning, self sacrifice, and can take years. The process also is on her clock, which by the way starts over on every time you do something considered stupid by her, normal by you. I’m guessing you didn’t read the Handbook for Husbands, now in its 78th edition. Most men who write to me didn’t. Don’t feel bad. I was on my third marriage before I read it. It clearly states in the Handbook for Husbands in Chapter 435, page 37,522… and I quote;

“Any decision toward having, or engaging in sexual activity is at the discretion of the woman. While men contest in vain from the beginning of the relationship with extremely limited success, this rule becomes ironclad after the birth of the first child.”

This is repeated in 300 other chapters which raise the suspicion someone intends us, us being men, to get the message… even if we have to stumble across it. The author you ask? It’s a collaboration of 867 million women across seven continents.

Remember the soup Nazi on Seinfeld? Had the best soup you ever had. Just couldn’t wait to get more soup. Approach with caution trying to do and say all the right things and yet that one little slip up and it’s “No soup for you!” Soup? Sex? It’s all relative. You get the picture.

I’m sorry Vern. I know this sounds harsh. I’ve always believed it’s better to know the truth however than hold out for false hope. You’re not alone in your delusions. I once had a young man tell me he couldn’t wait to get married so he would be guaranteed sex everyday. Poor bastard… he’s probably institutionalized now. But cheer up! Knowing what you’re facing can get you motivated and working toward your own award program. With hard work and commitment you just might achieve copulation before your kids reach graduation.

In the meantime just take lots of cold showers.



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